Teenagers & Sex

My parents tried their best.

They gave me a puberty book, they talked openly about how great sex is, they set and encouraged me to set healthy boundaries, and told me that I could ask them anything. The problem was that they were the LAST people on earth that I wanted to talk to about sex. I’m not sure what they could have done better, and I think about this all the time as my own kids have entered their teenage years.

The messages that I got about sex were basically that it was amazing, but that I couldn’t have it until I found the love of my life and married him. Sex basically equalled my husband putting his penis into my vagina, and that was to happen on my wedding night and then regularly (not sure what “regularly” meant) throughout my 50+ year marriage. I never heard about masturbation (and I still hate that word), female pleasure, or orgasm. What made sex so incredible was behind a curtain that I couldn’t look behind. I didn’t know that sex could be defined in SO many ways, that it can look different in every relationship, that the frequency of engaging in sex doesn't define the quality of that sex or that relationship.

There are some incredible books out now that are incredibly helpful, and I highly recommend seeking out information on anatomy AND pleasure to share with your teens. Becoming Cliterate by Dr. Laurie Mintz is awesome, as is Girl Sex 101 by Allison Moon. There’s a graphic novel out by Erika Moen and Matthew Nolan called Let’s Talk About It that covers things like relationships, rejection, and sexting as well as anatomy and self pleasure.

The big lesson is… if you don’t know what to say, seek out resources that do! Creating a healthy relationship with one’s own body and with sex can lead to lots of fun down the road! While teens may often learn about sex with one or two clicks on the internet, it’s nice to also give accurate info in a clear manner with realistic expectations while also having fun.